the darker the night, the brighter the stars

 I almost lost access to this journal due to my memory. That was the thing I was going to rant about.
This journal is the only thing I use to piece my life together, that's why I hate it when I delete journal entries, regardless of how much I embarrass myself reading them. Sure growing up you forget things and you change as a person. But I'm a loop, I go back to the person I was two weeks ago then turn around and come back to find myself again. I'm the snake that eats itself this is only made worse by my terrible memory, the name of my existence. I've forgotten years off my life. The best moments and the learning moments and everything making me, myself.i have ADHD but it can't possibly be this bad. Oftentimes I feel as though life is a dream and thats why I'm unable to remember anything, because I am dreaming. I'm so terrified of losing myself but ever since I was young I knew I wasn't going to be here forever, and that someone or something else would take my place and I mourn and honor those pieces of me, sometimes I turn back to them out of comfort. I don't know why it's this bad, perhaps I have a brain tumor or early dementia, some meningitis. I don't know, I don't really have symptoms. Well, I won't remember even if I did have it, I'm rendering myself incapable because of my memory loss. I wish to remember myself, my friends, my life, my happiness. What's the point of living if you can't even remember why you're alive? People around me call me a hypocrite, flaky, disingenuous. I know I'm betraying myself and my values everything I forget. I can't even be true to myself. What am I worth?
流れてく　時の中ででも　気だるさが　ほらグルグル廻って

"you should be here tomorrow" 
I will not. You disgusted me.

I'm tired of being around people who do nothing but berate me and treat me as if I'm less than. The entire time I attended this school everyone there made me feel like an idiot. "You have to be an adult" you can't control me. It doesn't matter. You think I'll live out the next 70 years like this? Are you fucking with me? I'll be dead soon. 

 I'm not even sure what to do with this page. I might just start all over with a new format and private old stuff.

Why were you unsuccessful? What went wrong? Where are you now? What of the body? Where is the body? Where is your body, Ms. █████?

You wanna know what I did with the body? What is a body, anyway? Known only because someone called it so. Without my consent. Awarded me this trophy. Covered in fingerprints, dust & grime. The body should be on trial. Fuck, the body is a trial. My memory, a field of landmines. I blink and everything I have tried to forget blows up in my face. The shrapnel, that is where I exist. In the rations of everything that has happened to me. Not in a body. So, I tried to get rid of it. Use it against itself. If you look hard enough down the throat of a bottle. You’ll find it. Lying, almost lifeless, somewhere between death and freedom. 

— Roya Marsh, from “in broad dayligGht suicidal black girls look guilty”

Lily chou chou jus reminds me of my childhood.. yuichi is lit vally me,

Whatever ryoji ikeda is doing, I want to do that.

 "I did not know how to become anything; neither spiteful nor kind, neither a rascal nor an honest man, neither a hero nor an insect. Now, I am living out my life in my corner, taunting myself with the spiteful and useless consolation that an intelligent man cannot become anything seriously, and it is only the fool who becomes anything."

Fyodor Dostoevsky, from Notes from Underground, 1864

 "Nobody watched me before, now I am watched.   

Patrice deserved so much better than his mom and his sister. he was young and didn't know anything about anyone or even himself other than his own appearance. i understand that the book, being a part of "Gothic literature" didn't want to give it a happy ending, and it clearly wasn't because that wasn't the books point. but i don't like lit analysis, so i won't be doing that today, at least from the authors point. it's going to be my personal ramblings.

Isabelle-Marie at first seemed to have a lot more understanding of the world around her than her mother did, she was shown as a character who was most different from her mother, but it turns out that she was just like her mother just lacking the narcissism and appearance, she was just as cruel as her mother was, whatever intelligence or awareness she had had been replaced with bitter hate for herself and others. i say that she seemed different from her mother because she wasn't self centered or focused on her appearance, but she was; just in a different way. While her mother was focused on herself due to her beauty isabelle-marie was focused on herself because she was unattractive, she also had her narcissism like her mother, when she told her boyfriend she had violet eyes and blonde hair she lied because she wanted someone to herself rather than being honest and truthful that might've been better in the long run, had she been honest, would her boyfriend still choose her good self over her appearance? maybe or maybe not. after all he did say "i kill whatever i think should be killed" isabelle wasn't a better mother than her's either. she went on the kill herself in-front of anna, and always snapped at her no matter what anna said, she had no love for her daughter just like her own mother once did. she was in the sense of self, most similar to her mother.

Patrice on the other hand was undeniably the most innocent and guileless out of all of the characters (aside from the guy in his asylum).

He was innocent until his bitter end at the pond. When he was young he knew nothing, did nothing, perhaps you can even say he said nothing when he wasn't asked. If it wasn't for isabelle-marie to grow jealous of him simply because of their mother maybe he would be safe; his mother was the one that always spoke for him and thought for him, he never had a mind of his own. His mother being so obsessed with his appearance wasn't out of motherly love but out of narcissism because she saw him as an object that people praise rather than a actual son. It is repeatedly stated she saw him as a extension of herself; of her own appearance, she never saw him as a child but more like a thing that welcomes people to say "oh how beautiful he his!" and nothing more because his face comes from her's, he never had a mother only a illusion.

After this, when his sister committed that crime and in turn made him lose the thing his mother loved him for she completely abandoned him. He was in pain and begging for a mother who'd love him and a sister who took care of him. Nothing he ever did was meant to hurt others because he simply never had that awareness, maybe if he did things would be different, but that's not his fault is it?

I'm well aware that the author didn't intend to save any character, and to make it seem as if it were all deserved, patrice's guilelessness caused him to become unaware of how much his sister hated him, isabelle-marie, was well isabelle-marie, selfish and hateful to the bone, and their mother, the person who's most at fault.


However i can't just agree with that, i understand the book i just can't agree with that saying, the characters weren't completely hopeless, not even the mother. i'm sorry, just rambles.

i used a nail-clipper this time, i cut off two bits of my skin... i could see the white underneath, and how the blood crept into the cut, dyeing it red. it was ugly, it peeled, scabbed, browned, but yet didn't leave a scar.. it was probably the most disappointing part.

when i did it in the past it scarred nicely, even if i didn't clip off the skin entirely. i wish i had a razor blade or box-cutter... something better.