the dead they don't come back
Jan. 28th, 2025 01:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cwvllSaid a prayer for you, I was tired and aloneSaid, Lord
I miss my friend who's underneath my feetMay his soul, oh may his soulOh may his soul rest in peace
I wonder if he'd be mad at me. I wonder if he can wonder at all. I wonder if he is at all. I miss him and I know I shouldn't wish to bring him back in this world that caused him so much pain, but my memories are fading; I think there's nothing more cruel than memory, the only fragment of their existence left in a spark in my brain firing over and over until it burns out. people say that when they die, you dream of them; I dreamed of him once- a dream that I cannot recall, he said something to me, I want to remember what he said. i'm not a poet, I'm not a writer, and all attempts to convey my feelings will fail.
I hate feeling this way, I hate that I have to present my emotions about other people, forfeit my grief, and show that I too, can grieve. I cant stand seeing myself like this. I don't cry when people die. I didn't cry when my grandfather died, I didn't cry when my friend died, I didn't cry when my uncle died. or, I didn't cry then, I cried now, years later. 12 going on 15, 14 going on 18, 17 going on...I don't know. I don't cry. i'm an emotional wreck all the time, I'm moody and i'm sensitive but I don't cry. four years late the grief of him passing finally hit me, I don't care about the environment or phase of my life I'm in right now I don't feel "stressed" by any of these present circumstances, because they'll all change with time, but he will not; because he doesn't change anymore, he's gone. that's all I care about anymore. there is no such thing as "life growing around grief" or "healing" it's all made up fake shit, I miss my fucking friend. I reject nature, I destroy. i will destroy myself to see him again. I don't want your therapies, I don't want your solutions, your made-up processes, your healing or your life, or my life, I want to see him one more time, anywhere, anyway.
I miss my friend who's underneath my feetMay his soul, oh may his soulOh may his soul rest in peace
I wonder if he'd be mad at me. I wonder if he can wonder at all. I wonder if he is at all. I miss him and I know I shouldn't wish to bring him back in this world that caused him so much pain, but my memories are fading; I think there's nothing more cruel than memory, the only fragment of their existence left in a spark in my brain firing over and over until it burns out. people say that when they die, you dream of them; I dreamed of him once- a dream that I cannot recall, he said something to me, I want to remember what he said. i'm not a poet, I'm not a writer, and all attempts to convey my feelings will fail.
I hate feeling this way, I hate that I have to present my emotions about other people, forfeit my grief, and show that I too, can grieve. I cant stand seeing myself like this. I don't cry when people die. I didn't cry when my grandfather died, I didn't cry when my friend died, I didn't cry when my uncle died. or, I didn't cry then, I cried now, years later. 12 going on 15, 14 going on 18, 17 going on...I don't know. I don't cry. i'm an emotional wreck all the time, I'm moody and i'm sensitive but I don't cry. four years late the grief of him passing finally hit me, I don't care about the environment or phase of my life I'm in right now I don't feel "stressed" by any of these present circumstances, because they'll all change with time, but he will not; because he doesn't change anymore, he's gone. that's all I care about anymore. there is no such thing as "life growing around grief" or "healing" it's all made up fake shit, I miss my fucking friend. I reject nature, I destroy. i will destroy myself to see him again. I don't want your therapies, I don't want your solutions, your made-up processes, your healing or your life, or my life, I want to see him one more time, anywhere, anyway.